This Just Makes Me Angry

I am just so angry that you would really do that. You honestly have no idea what you have done to me either. You have no idea that you messed up my plans for the future, kind of (i probably would have chickened out). Still. I just want to wring your neck. You think that you are little miss perfectt and life revolves around you. Well, maybe I shouldn't say that because I know some things don't work out how you want them too. Seriously though, you can't just force people into doing what you want. And people shouldn't do what you want because you tell them to. People should just tell you know. I want to yell at you and tell you quite a bit of things, but that would just mess up my life even more. I am going to do things my way, which means not telling guys I like them, and pretending that they might, just maybe, make the first move, and pretend things will work out, and that I won't be a huge loner, and I will have guys looking at me and wanting to be with me, but that will never happen. Because once you get a reputation, i.e. a nerd or something, you are stuck being that person and nothing you do can ever change that. Unless you turn into a slut. Oh well.

Also, I hate it when a friend won't tell me who asked something about me. I'm not going to confront them. I just want to know.

Life is Starting to Make Sense Again

Okay, so before I have seemed really depressed and stuff. Which I really was. No one, I feel, can really know what they are thinking or actually feeling. The human mind is such a complicated thing. We feel like we know what we are feeling is for sure, but in all actuality, we have no freaking idea what we want. That is one of the most scariest things, I feel, about being human. I was so sure I had used this person, subconsciously, but I actually feel like it was something else entirely. I have been watching How I Met Your Mother (side note: it is a great freaking show) and there is this concept they use, Pulling a Ted Mosby. In the beginning episodes of this show the main character Ted Mosby meets this girl named Robin. They have one great date and he is so sure that he loves her that he tells her. This obviously scares her off. Now Robin really liked Ted, but after he said that, she stopped having any feelings for him. That is what I feel happened to me. I feel I actually liked this guy, and then he dropped the "L" word and I started thinking. I thought so much I became "in love" with my best friend again. I have gotten closure from all of that though, also I am hoping to become friends with this one guy, because he is a nice guy, but not what I'm looking for right now.


I know I feel like for a couple minutes I feel like I have everything worked out. I want to volunteer abroad after I graduate high school, but before college and stuff. I just feel like it is my calling.I have always wanted to travel, and now I have a purpose to travel. But it is so hard finding an organization because a lot of them are like gospel stuff. Not saying I'm not a Christian, but I don't want to be a part of a mission like that. I know that spreading God's word is something I'm supposed to do, but, honestly, I love you God(and Jesus) but I have no idea how to preach the gospel. I haven't even read the Bible one time through.

Though another thing, why do boys have to be so confusing.. And I'm really bad at this blogging thing

Love does not exist. It is just some way for people to make money.

love. What really is it anyway. Two people can just meet each other for the first time, talk, and then a week later they think they are in love. Just like that. Is that really how it seems to work because that is just bullshit. I have seem people get hurt, and I don't want to be in love. It just complicates everything. It changes your actions even if you don't realize this. You might accidentally use someone to prove a point to someone you might have feelings for. And then you feel like shit because you realize that you never liked that one person, and the person you do like is out with someone else having a hell of a time. You just get stuck in your head, and you have this idealistic way your life would play out if you were together. Deep down you know it isn't like that though. You know that if you were really together, you would mess it up. Just like you do. All the time. But you might be the other person. You might be the person who is leaded on. You might be the person who is happy with someone else not realizing that someone you used to care about still really cares about you even though she just can't tell you. even though she couldn't show it before and still feels like she doesn't know how to express her feelings. And trust me, she feels like shit right now. Sitting on her bed, hugging a pillow, wishing it was you and that you knew how she felt. And at the same time hoping you will never discover her secret because it will ruin everything again. Like she does. She ruins things all the time, and she realizes this. But she can't help the fact she has fucking issues. It is just the way she is. And she doesn't know how to fix herself. Because even though she has never been broken by love, she is broken. The pieces of her heart have been scattered through dark times, and she doesn't know how to put them together. Each time they seem to fit, they just end up shattering and she cracks. She breaks all over again and hits a new low. It is just the cycle of her life.