This Just Makes Me Angry

I am just so angry that you would really do that. You honestly have no idea what you have done to me either. You have no idea that you messed up my plans for the future, kind of (i probably would have chickened out). Still. I just want to wring your neck. You think that you are little miss perfectt and life revolves around you. Well, maybe I shouldn't say that because I know some things don't work out how you want them too. Seriously though, you can't just force people into doing what you want. And people shouldn't do what you want because you tell them to. People should just tell you know. I want to yell at you and tell you quite a bit of things, but that would just mess up my life even more. I am going to do things my way, which means not telling guys I like them, and pretending that they might, just maybe, make the first move, and pretend things will work out, and that I won't be a huge loner, and I will have guys looking at me and wanting to be with me, but that will never happen. Because once you get a reputation, i.e. a nerd or something, you are stuck being that person and nothing you do can ever change that. Unless you turn into a slut. Oh well.

Also, I hate it when a friend won't tell me who asked something about me. I'm not going to confront them. I just want to know.

Life is Starting to Make Sense Again

Okay, so before I have seemed really depressed and stuff. Which I really was. No one, I feel, can really know what they are thinking or actually feeling. The human mind is such a complicated thing. We feel like we know what we are feeling is for sure, but in all actuality, we have no freaking idea what we want. That is one of the most scariest things, I feel, about being human. I was so sure I had used this person, subconsciously, but I actually feel like it was something else entirely. I have been watching How I Met Your Mother (side note: it is a great freaking show) and there is this concept they use, Pulling a Ted Mosby. In the beginning episodes of this show the main character Ted Mosby meets this girl named Robin. They have one great date and he is so sure that he loves her that he tells her. This obviously scares her off. Now Robin really liked Ted, but after he said that, she stopped having any feelings for him. That is what I feel happened to me. I feel I actually liked this guy, and then he dropped the "L" word and I started thinking. I thought so much I became "in love" with my best friend again. I have gotten closure from all of that though, also I am hoping to become friends with this one guy, because he is a nice guy, but not what I'm looking for right now.


I know I feel like for a couple minutes I feel like I have everything worked out. I want to volunteer abroad after I graduate high school, but before college and stuff. I just feel like it is my calling.I have always wanted to travel, and now I have a purpose to travel. But it is so hard finding an organization because a lot of them are like gospel stuff. Not saying I'm not a Christian, but I don't want to be a part of a mission like that. I know that spreading God's word is something I'm supposed to do, but, honestly, I love you God(and Jesus) but I have no idea how to preach the gospel. I haven't even read the Bible one time through.

Though another thing, why do boys have to be so confusing.. And I'm really bad at this blogging thing

Love does not exist. It is just some way for people to make money.

love. What really is it anyway. Two people can just meet each other for the first time, talk, and then a week later they think they are in love. Just like that. Is that really how it seems to work because that is just bullshit. I have seem people get hurt, and I don't want to be in love. It just complicates everything. It changes your actions even if you don't realize this. You might accidentally use someone to prove a point to someone you might have feelings for. And then you feel like shit because you realize that you never liked that one person, and the person you do like is out with someone else having a hell of a time. You just get stuck in your head, and you have this idealistic way your life would play out if you were together. Deep down you know it isn't like that though. You know that if you were really together, you would mess it up. Just like you do. All the time. But you might be the other person. You might be the person who is leaded on. You might be the person who is happy with someone else not realizing that someone you used to care about still really cares about you even though she just can't tell you. even though she couldn't show it before and still feels like she doesn't know how to express her feelings. And trust me, she feels like shit right now. Sitting on her bed, hugging a pillow, wishing it was you and that you knew how she felt. And at the same time hoping you will never discover her secret because it will ruin everything again. Like she does. She ruins things all the time, and she realizes this. But she can't help the fact she has fucking issues. It is just the way she is. And she doesn't know how to fix herself. Because even though she has never been broken by love, she is broken. The pieces of her heart have been scattered through dark times, and she doesn't know how to put them together. Each time they seem to fit, they just end up shattering and she cracks. She breaks all over again and hits a new low. It is just the cycle of her life.

Yeah I'm not so good at this.

This whole blogging thing just might not be for me or something because I just forget to write something for only a few months. Not if anyone really cares, but I'm just watching Water for Elephants for the first time. And I'm not saying I cried or anything, but this movie just tells me why I love elephants so much. They are just portrayed in that fun loving care free way. They are playful. One of the largest land animals and they are portrayed as child like. And I hate abusive people. Though it doesn't have to be physical. I just want to know what people are thinking sometimes just to see if they really have it as bad as they think. The truth is I am probably one of the worst offenders of people who think their life sucks, but doesn't realize there are people who have it far worst. I constantly think I have it bad because I am surrounded by people who get whatever. An only child gets whatever they want. They get it all and they feel they can just fucking say whatever the fuck they want. But no. You can't go fucking saying your opinion on something that doesn't even fucking involve you. It my family, and on the side that you have no a part of. So fuck it, because you ruined my Christmas. Not that I enjoy that holiday anyway. It is always about who got the most and best fucking presents. Holiday of giving? Bull shit (personal life rant).

It's Friday!

Yeah so in the great words of Rebecca Black, you know 'great words,' it's Friday! Partying' yeah! Back to business. Today, how was today. Well it was just like any other day. Torture! And I mean it. Well I might be over exaggerating a little, but honestly, it was full of people who annoy me. Now, I know you like like me either, but you are dumb. And she isn't a jerk for calling you dumb, even though she technically didn't call you dumb. Which proves the point. And I'm sorry Soddy no one wants to hear you talk, and I don't care that you are a cheerleader. Our cheerleaders suck still, and even more, with you on the team. And you're face is not your money maker because you are fugly. It is one thing to be a sarcastic dumb fuck when you are semi-attractive,it's another thing if you are really ugly and shaped like Mr. Cannon. Who is shaped like a pair people! And he is a creep. Maybe if you were smarter I could see you becoming a creepy math teacher, but I feel you will become a hobo! And don't get me started on the sophomores. I mean if I don't like you I will tell you. Yeah it might sound bitchy, but no one cares if you beat Steve by one percent, and no one cars if it is fucking pasta Tuesday, well I guess everyone does care... But I mean it is just fucking pasta people. And school pasta which means it isn't even that good. Yet on Tuesday everyone is just running down to lunch to get such a good spot in line. If I could go through that line I would just budge like I do every fucking day. What is wrong with high school kids. I just want to say (1)it's fucking high school grow up (2)no one really wants to hear what you did over the weekend in the middle of the class, everyone is just too self centered for that, plus it is annoying. (3)just because someone is smart does not mean they never get things wrong (4)why are dicks so funny and we just have to draw them on everything? Dumbasses (5)just fucking grow up already!

Well... This is Awkward

Yeah so in the words of one of my friends today did not have any potential. That whole thing that if you have a bad day yesterday you should have a good day today. Such a lie. I had a terrible day yesterday since I forgot I had to work and didn't show up. Plus I had to deal with little kids, and the only reason I put up with those annoying kids is because BBBS looks good on my college application and I need NHS hours. Otherwise I would not be doing that. Anyway, today did not have potential from the moment I woke up, which was reflected in how I dressed. Sweatpants and slipper boots with a loose sweater. Still, I have once again procrastinated and have not started my write for physics, my APUSH self evaluation, or reading that handout. Plus I have to write a paper on someone in my class in Spanish. There is just so much to do and I am just way too lazy. All I want to do is sleep. I really need Saturday to get here. Films with my two friends and a really cute boy, hopefully, and then some anime movies. Well, then I get two work Sunday.. At least sophomores have WKCE testing next week... Which means I get to sleep in. I just need someone to grab me aside and say 'hey, let's go have some fun' I mean, I'm not talking sex fun, of course not, but I could use some cute boy cuddling action.... God, why can't guys look at me in that light. The only one who ever really has used to be my friend, wasn't my friend, to be my friend again, then wanting a relationship, to not being my friend and now calling me a fucking tease. Yeah, well I would like to say I was pretty frank with you. I don't want a relationship. Well, not with him. I mean that is my best friend, you can't just be saying such douche comments about her. Jackass. Well I was going to go after your best friend to make you angry, but it turns out you two are in a fight. So maybe he will want to make you angry too! Fingers crossed

Well This is New

Okay, so I bet almost no one will read this, but who cares. I have always wanted to have a blog. Just some place I can write everything I am thinking and not be judged. If you don't like the way it is, I really don't care, at all. This is just about me. What I feel. Bet that sounds selfish, but it is the way I see it. Though "Living in Hell" might be fun for moat, I hate it. When I can leave, I am getting as far away from this place as possible. Sure, I'll miss my friends and family, but I just want to live. There is so much to do, and so much I want to do. I feel like I have wasted the first 18 years of my life! That is terrible....and it sucks. At least I am old enough to gamble all my money away....